Forbidden Fruit

As a young boy, I've often pondered what happened outside my once humble childhood abode. Life, however, was quick to suppress my love for discovery. That suppression manifested itself with military shells, tanks, bullets, and rockets. I couldn't pursue the mundane task of exploring my neighborhood as a young child. My feet were running but I was the only one who could hear their eco as it lay deep in my mind. Thus, due to the security situation in 2003, I never went out without holding my mother's hand. I learned to accept the facts of life in which I was presented like most children do. 

As I continued to grow, my love for exploration whittled away for I could no longer see it feasible in my young age and the increasingly worsening security situation. Instead, I turned to my love of music, novels, games and movies. When I became a teenager, my boundaries vanished; I could venture out to any destination of my liking. However, that option lost it glow. I simply could not look at the landscape and view it as a child; a concrete jungle that's unknown. 

As a child, I was raised like any other; don't lie, hurt, steal, or do anything "bad". Get a high CGPA to go to a good school where you'll get degree and attempt your best at a cliche life as a doctor or engineer. I was quite timid, shy, innocent, and sensitive. Just like most children I know. I remember the socioeconomic way of life when I was introduced to it at a very young age. The janitors in my school were treated as subhumans; it was like they never existed. As a teenager, I was waiting for my mom to pick me up early outside of class. A kind janitor offered me a much needed chair which I humbly appreciated and sat next to them. They offered me coffee. A few seconds later, a teacher walking by whispered "don't sit next to them, it's quite shameful". Sadly, That wasn't the last time. 

When I was 10 years old, an innocent fourth grader, I lost my innocence. I became a man that day in a child's body. I was going to school like I did on any weekday. We stopped the car at the gate where a very kind janitor was crying and screaming. Her tears were flowing as was the blood from a chauffeur; he was shot in the head and left by the school door and a whole car full of children was kidnapped. I still remember it as I often woke up with that memory until I reached my Twenties; I opened the car door with my very heavy backpack. I ran like the wind despite my encumbrance. My legs failed me at the door. I slowed down and was now walking by his body. He was covered with a white cloth but the headshot wound was still bleeding. This resulted in a rather ghastly appearance.

I walked in and pretended it's ok like I often did. As a 10 years old, I knew exactly what was going on. Is this a case of innocence lost? Did I lose mine or did the world lose its? Which one of us is the guilty party? I've been demanding that answer for most of my life.

Have faith in the system is what they always say. Personally, I stopped believing in the system when my old childhood home was demolished due to war. Some soldiers thought it was ok to draw a white circle and detonate the building. My mom got my most prized possession; a retro old small TV. Afterwards, I ended up living in my uncle's house for a year. I left the familiar state of Baghdad and lived in Kerbala; a very religious state which I have zero affinity for. Kerbala was quite religious which resulted in me living in solitary isolation as I chose to for most of my life. I went back to Baghdad a year later. I couldn't abide by their system for it was the same system that beat up students and made them stand in shame every time we raised the flag for all to know by face and name. When have we seen this work? It's a lot like the imaginary tooth fairy. We put our tooth under the pillow and wait for the money to roll in. Well, I don't really want your money anymore. I have my humanity; the most prized of all possessions.

Describe how Adam realized he was naked, so he hid in the grass when god was looking. God knew he ate the fruit and he fell from grace for gaining civility.

The Torah recounts the events which resulted in Adam's expulsion from heaven. Adam and Eve decided to eat from the forbidden fruit which the Torah recounted as "the tree of knowledge". When Adam are the apple, he realized he was naked so he hid in the grass. When God came calling, Adam replied that he was naked. God asked how he realized he was naked and then accused him of breaking his commandment. Adam seeked knowledge and was kicked out of paradise. Should God be the only holder of knowledge? 

When I was 15, I went to the states. When I came back, my heart was the same but my eyes were different for I saw the errors of our ways. I couldn't approve of violence and how "manly" I used to think it was. I couldn't look at LGBT individuals as heathens as I already befriended a lovely personality. That personality had a name, parents, people who cared about them and most importantly, feelings and tears just like any of us. I couldn't view any of my old beliefs without doubt aside from my deep unwavering belief in right and wrong. Needless to say, I fell from grace pretty fast. 

It wasn't the isolation during the entirety of my teenage existence that killed me and what once was a profound admiration for my country, it was that people who knew that what was happening is a byproduct of emphasizing social conformity and each other's opinion instead of the moral consequences that are still easily felt by every Iraqi. They knew what right and wrong was and couldn't care less. The NGO officers who always minimized expenses and pocketed the rest, the ones who worked in this field looking to claim they're in danger waiting for the soonest opportunity to get out of Iraq. There are more examples but I simply give up due to the sheer volume involved. 

I had a teacher once. Another fallen angel. He was probably one of the most decent individuals who I've met in my lifetime. First thing he did in his very first class was ask if there are any orphans or teenagers working. He jotted down the names in his notebook and gave extra care, attention, and help to these students. One time, I was in one of my more depressing foul moods as was common with me in my teens. He noticed my lack of smiling and participation and asked to meet my parents for no reason. When my mom went, he asked her if I was ok and that she should pay more attention towards myself. He told her that I needed to leave and continue my journey somewhere else. That he always noticed sadness in my eyes. Something which everyone who knows me often points out. My distinctive sad eyes. I was surprised and still am today for everything he did for a student he barely knew. 

Another time, my once-closest comrade in high school who was an orphan was in debt. His dad died when he was a child and he worked about 10+ hours a day for $9. He borrowed money from his uncle who, shortly afterwards, called the cops on him. He was the second valedictorian (me being the highest scoring at that time) despite all his hardships. He didn't come during the final year and I told my teacher why. I distinctly remember him saying, in front of the whole class, "Let him know that he is to give his uncle's contact to me so that I might pay him and he can come back to school". His only criteria was that my friend had to finish the school year. 

Another time would be when the same teachers' wife suddenly died but he disobeyed the laws relating to teacher holidays in case of a death in the family. He came 3 days later after the funeral and despite the students' behavior, there he stood. He just politely said "I'm supposed to have a two months holiday but I came as soon as the funeral ended because I have a job to do and I'm not letting you guys take the finals with half a finished book. After all I've done for you, you still act like this?" 

This is how I would describe knowledge; you can't anticipate an equal show of kindness if the opposite doesn't realize it in the first place. Even after all he'd done, everyone never realized his sacrifices. He was probably the most decent person I've ever met. He inspired me to pursue a career in education. I hope to pursue this passion in my Masters. I think he understood my pain because he too took a big bite out of the forbidden tree. As I've said before, the truth is a beautiful thing but knowledge rarely is. It is a double-edged sword looking to cut both its master and listener.

I bit the forbidden apple as my ancestor once did. I gained insight and broke out of "the system" for I could no longer see humanity in other humans. Diogenes the cynic was a primary cog in this philosophy. He was a Greek philosopher who always held a lantern and walked the markets in plain day chanting that "he doesn't claim to be human but he does not see any humanity among the passerbys". I think this is what happened everywhere. Instead of seeking to understand and mend people, we seek to condemn them as they might not fit our perceptions of "trendiness". If you can't put them in a "fab gram story," they probably aren't worth the trouble just like those "lowly" janitors that my mom always told me and others about their kickass cup of coffee that they always hosted her with whenever she came to handle my school affairs. 

Whenever civility occurs, there's always a clash with a large part of the population. After all, why should they replace their "sins of the father" culture into something completely different? Isn't it easier to just inherit what we've already known for all our lives? I think this is what happened with me; I got educated. I got deeply wounded by knowledge. I'm now wounded with such a scar that not even time can heal. There's just too much that time cannot erase. I simply know too much.

I think our biggest problem is that, the more we know about people, the less we love them. We rarely love someone as we loved them a week ago. People just drift apart. We make new social media profiles and try to replace our old digital tracks with whatever we view as more ideal. Little do we know that we can't replace memories. We can't go back in time and fix things so we desperately pretend they never happened. Our knowledge cuts deep and all we can do is feel it go deeper and deeper. A few years after, after the mundane takes over, we decide to consummate. We find the one and have children and spend the rest of our lives wishing they don't repeat our mistakes. Our children become us. 

"All this time we got the fable of Sleeping Beauty wrong. The prince didn't kiss her to wake her up. No one who slept for a hundred years is likely to wake up. It was the other way round. He kisses her to wake himself up from the nightmare that has brought him there". 

-Max Payne 2 

I hope she can wake me up. I need to throw away my lantern and remember what it's like to be human. What it's like to believe in something. My Neverland might be gone as a child, but I do believe that there are still places where we can go and live happily.