One-eyed King

 

 It feels a lot like my life always has a timer; all the vivid colors, sounds, and memories fade into ashes. I can feel the fire slowly slithering behind me. I can only run forward dodging the inevitable. 

I used to believe, but what if god is just someone just like us who got his heart broken? What if the world is so inhumane that even god cried and gave up? Maybe that's the poetic version of why rain occurs; he comes back every now and often and sobs at the ever-decaying dehumanization of affairs.

As I newly graduated and ventured into the twilight of my life, I cannot help but feel the inevitable boredom COVID has brought upon us. I can only wonder what will it be like going back to what I once called home; Iraq has always been my torment for the past it formulated. It has forever proven that I will be a pilgrim in my own country. I now have to undergo the common worry of a 9-5 job. Rebuild what I demolished by being absent for four years. 

Sometimes, i wish life was like a house; my incessant worries would be as easy as placing a building block to close whatever has been breached. I wish I can cement the pieces back together. What people don't often realize is that it was never about Iraq. I wish my home was full of majestic sounds and colors. I wish people would stop carrying guns and replace them with books. However, it was always about the past. Everyone has a dark chapter they wish to close. An incessant secret that would always haunt them. I, too, have many. 

I've often been criticized for my lack of patriotism. This was my original purpose of this blog; to freely speak my thoughts in my most vulnerable and realistic manner. To seek understanding. To try my truest manner of elaborating that being judged is often not the best approach; people are often quick to point fingers rather than understand and coexist. Maybe I can convince people to try and at least, to give the misunderstood a chance.

I've always had an oddly looking left eye; It's a lazy eye. I've basically suffered from something when I was a child. Eventually, I was about to develop a lazy eye if I was to pass on undertaking some laser surgery when I was one year old. My dad's intense misguided fear developed into into my present day lazy eye as he strongly opposed such a surgery when I was that young. My brain cannot be motivated to operate it now and the muscles got used to such circumstances. I think my lack of vision often added to a better clarity of mind.

My oddly-shaped eye always promoted odd conversations and stares. I'd describe it as having one normal right eye and looking through a key hole with a wet camera; it's just a narrow, blurred, and abstract view which my brain always alienates lest I'm realizing I can still use whatever remains. 

Sometimes, I wish I can choose to see certain aspects of life optionally as I do with my left eye; just blindly believe and walk left before turning. Would I so clumsily hit a hard surface as I do in real life? Would it be as easy as getting up "irl" as people call it? I wish I can switch off Red; I wouldn't see all the blood. I wish I can switch off Grey; there would be no more smoke. Finally, I wish I can switch off Black for there would be no sorrow. 

Or I can wish I was a phone and life was easy as resetting factory settings.

Sometimes, i wish everyone had one eye too. Maybe, they'd try to envision matters clearer with their thoughts and perceptions. Maybe then, I'd be understood.