The Not So Subtle Art of Starting Over

Life, as I've come to understand it, is not a simple narrative; there are no heroes, villains, or plot twists.

I view it as organized chaos; bills, career, ambition, friendships, relationships, drunk tidbits, and the lovely morning coffee which provides a buff against burnout or sleepless nights thinking.

Life occurs in-between everything. We can't control it, we can't force it, we can just experience it. We fumble forward (often with poorly tied shoelaces) trying to make sense of the grey space in-between. I used to think that my chaotic and constantly shifting mindset is the issue. Now, and after 27 years, I believe that's the point.

Professionally, I spent the last 4 years working in HR; a field in which we observe and make sense of other people's patterns. We try to instill order and meaning from the patterns we derive: The calm employee who suddenly gets an outburst and starts to overcomplain? I know they just need a listening ear.

The person who's calmly waiting for the day to end and is miserable looking for another job? I can recognize them within five minutes?

I match life patterns with patterns found in job descriptions. I've excelled because I believe I am good at finding patterns. Whether it's miserable exes, demanding jobs, friendships, or even spending habits. Patterns are how I find solutions. Patterns make more sense than people who are so illogical and don't make sense... Humanity is very weird, and I can't make sense of it. People are patterns to me. This is awkward as my job is basically people and to me, people are illogical or maybe this is where the irony makes sense...

At least I thought so prior to my epiphany where I found out you can't brute force life with logic.

The cruel lesson about being good at your job?

It doesn't mean you are good with life. Past history has taught me that loyalty is a rare commodity. Principles are an even rarer commodity. Good women and men are rare these days with infidelity becoming the norm. 

Yet, if pain shrunk my world, my resilience and outlandish sense of humor and comradery would always find a way to expand it. I believe in the non-logic, and its beauty, but I can't ever understand it or conform to it. I find solace in my ashtray which has always listened to the inner ramblings of my mind and shared with me the good and bad. I wonder what it would say after all these years if it can utter words? Would it congratulate me after all these past years? It witnessed my graduation, my breakups, my university start, and even my current job.

Resilience has always expanded my world and alerted me to the chaotic possibility of something new. Usually, something better if I can work for it.

Instead of working for me and my career, I should also be "Working for Life". Life is rarely just about hard work. I'll overwork, overanalyze, overplan, think five steps ahead to mitigate issues before they arise. 

However, working for life? That's different. I can't use slack reminders or Asana or Gmail. It doesn't always pack in a "To do list". It's about waking up everyday to the unorcherstrated symphony of sounds, sights, and smells. Driving to work being oblivious to why a turn signal is important or why staying in your lane is a difficulty to some people. Being oblivious to how many disputes or issues arise out of even the simplest communication and how frequently it occurs only to happen again.

These above mundane and illogical curiosities above definitely alienate my mindset from so many others. I'm a creature of habit and logic. I can't decipher emotions. KPIs, ETAs, and OKRs can't really help me within this symphony.

Instead, I'm learning I'm bad at texting which isn't an excuse. It's a symptom of my busyness and active effort of trying to maintain my relationships.

What I'm learning slowly and surely is that success isn't measured by how neatly you perform or how many plates you can carry at the same time. It's instead measured by how many broken pieces there are and saying "What can I do with this?". It's about showing up for the messy and unpredictable situations not knowing the unanticipated. It requires resilience, no framework, no logical, and only experience is needed. If life had a Job Description, it would be "Fuc*. What do I do now?". 

The world is a mess, but it's my own illogical mess. Something I'm still coming to terms with. Am I going to save x amount of money this year, travel, get promoted, find someone else after she left, be a good person to those around me, etc,...

The logical option would be to sit and think. However, I have chosen to join the choir.

- Written by someone who's obviously not there yet but

 still trying to figure it out