Made of stone

It's often seen that we spend the future talking about our past. There are miraculous things lying within our skies and seas. We're just too busy looking at our phones, mopping, or swiping right to bother. 

In 2006, I presume, I watched a superman movie. It was your traditional invincible heroics against the villainy of those involved. There's a specific scene where Superman gets shot in the eye but the bullet is crushed against Superman's invulnerable form. I always thought of that as awesome but what if we become, indeed, vulnerable?

I was always fond of the antihero role; their vulnerabilities and how they were fundamentally broken which eventually led them to seek justice and hope. 

It's only when you've truly reached the bottom of the abyss, you realize that you've hit rock bottom. There's simply no more room to fall down to anymore. The only remaining way is up. 

Sometimes, I think I'm made of stone. I should feel more. However, at this point, I doubt it's possible. Perhaps, this is better. To be invulnerable to the masses. To have their words and opinions crash against my stone-like form. To walk away unscathed and without scathing anyone in return. " Be the better man" they said. 

I remember I lost interest in quite a number of things ever since I became Fourteen. That year was rough as my parents got divorced. It was especially rough for my young self as I idolized my father for he didn't not exist in my young years (he is a successful writer who constantly worked abroad). He spent most of his life abroad. He went when I was incredibly little and did not recognize me when he returned. "is this the neighbor's son?" He asked. My sister and mom were crying but I didn't know who that is. That question was never answered until I was 14. It was answered by him disclosing that he's my divorced dad. Life would decree that I am to say my goodbyes through a car window for eternity instead of goodnight, dad. As I said, I lost interest in quite a number of things. Weirdly, however, I never lost my empathy. It was/is always there to guide me so that I may always stay true to my humane nature. That was always my sole basis. Not to admire people but to admire human beings. 

I remember how, as a naive freshman, I had a crush or two towards a few individuals. How I perceived love and how I still perceive love is that you find someone that, if I was to live a hundred years, I'd want my life to be a hundred years minus one day. Someone which I love for who they are. Their eccentricity, humanity, generosity, and empathy. Someone who I'd want to see first when I wake up and last when I close my eyes. Someone who I can never get bored of talking to. I do think modern day dating and the physical aspect of love is quite irrelevant. It's because when you love someone, it's a commitment. You can't hurt them as you'll only be hurting yourself. You can't disappear and hope they'll be ok. You can't hope they'll find new beginnings. Their new beginnings are similar to how pebbles break of rocks and get forced to change shores or other landscapes because of the waves and winds. 

What if I was made of stone... What if my very fundamental core of humanity is replaced with stone. Maybe I wouldn't need the meds anymore. Then, I'll stop feeling pain. I'll stop appreciating the colors of the wall, the fresh air on my face, the freedom which I tattooed as a constant reminder, and I'll have a stone heart. I'll be invulnerable.

I often ponder if humanity is overrated. Maybe I need to live more. Maybe life is just a bunch of years spent trying to achieve a life while forgetting what we already have and running away from whatever we've been through. I often remember I am alive whenever I'm hungry, thirsty, or getting some sort of notification from my phone. 

However, I'm constantly reminded that even rocks break into pebbles. They later get carried away by waves and winds to another land. It is impossible to escape our demons. They exist in our minds and in our lungs and finally, in the darkest depths of our hearts. We can, however, shine light and make sure the scales are balanced. We can try to spend our lives knowing that, despite the past, we can live in the present. We can love, live, and let live by imagining the best version of ourselves and constantly working towards the embetterment of it for the sake of our communities and the ones who matter the most. 

Honestly, if there's a light ahead, I wouldn't know. I always take things as they are and as they come. We don't get what we want or whatever it is that we deserve. We just get what we get. For me, I just get thoughts. I get insights but so do rocks. They see the world changing slowly. They find new shores and beginnings after turmoil. It comes at the cost of breaking down...

Wait, what if I'm actually made of stone?