Imposter Beware

Ever heard of imposter syndrome? 

Imposter syndrome is defined as "A psychological occurrence in which an individual severely doubts their talents and abilities". In a nutshell, it's the voice deep within that tells us that we're not good enough, we're never going to get where we want, we're never going to achieve our dreams, and so on.

Each of us own an imposter within and everyday is its own unique struggle in that aspect.

For me, my imposter conquered me in multiple occasions. I remember the worst period in my life when I just graduated; happy and full of hope but the voice deep within told me I'm not as good as I imagine...That I'm never going to find a job...

It kept growing as did my beard. The more both grew, the less I recognized what was once a confident young man. Eventually my imposter told me to hit the gym because it said I was ugly. I managed to shape a six pack in 5 months. It then told me I'm a deadbeat, so I started taking courses despite a lot under my belt. We kept pushing back and forth. It kept laughing at me and convincing me that what I saw in the mirror was who I'll always be.

Ever heard of attachment theory?

It states that the strength of the bond between the parents and a child during it's infancy leads up to how we tackle things as adults. It's not only used in behavioral and forensic psychology, it's also very well present in the people around us. You can find out a lot about a person if you observe. 

I'm classified as an avoidant. Apparently, we accept the fact that our needs as children will never be met and this leads us to avoid problems and scan the environment for threats and never let go of approval. Fun fact: I tend to be very chatty with people. I feel anxious when people do not communicate. There's an everlasting sensation that they got what they wanted and upped and left. That's a perfect example of avoidant. 

I think the only thing that I've stayed attached to is my imposter. It never left me... Always taunting and pointing fingers. I wonder if it also feels the same? 

The dust eventually settled, and I managed to build a career in a record time. My imposter remains vigilant telling me to keep working and do better. However, the agony present with its whispers are quite real. I can't rest knowing that I might fail. Knowing that I have to do better. Is this me or it talking? It's why I can never sit down and tend to be quite active as a personality.

When I was scared from the monsters beneath my bed as a child, my dad told me they don't exist. He said monsters only exist in people. Was he right? Is my imposter the monster I have to slay? Will I also get away with the girl and wipe the slate clean?

How do I close the door and say my farewells to the only friend that always remind by my side? Is this me or my imposter talking?

There it is again...