Innocence Lost

How does one go about defining innocence?

How do we even measure it? 

Like all moral qualities, innocence tends to be quite subjective...My earliest memory of innocence was my young self.

I remember the sound of tanks stirring up the tea tray, the cups, and the shockwave as it ever marched closer. I remember the sound of bullets also. However, my most-concrete memory would be trying to get used to the sound of bullets at that very innocent age so that I may hold my older sister whenever we would hear them. Maybe she wouldn't need to be scared anymore... Maybe everything would be okay for a while...

Looking back from the current lenses of my adult self (lenses symbolize my bad eyesight as I'm half blind), I believe that it wouldn't have made a difference. The sounds of nearby bullets would never amount to the horrors that await. I believe I lost my innocent at the age of 10 when I saw a dead body shot in the head by my school's door. 

Ever since then, the concept of innocence has been lost to me. I clung to my sense of morality. After all, values are the only thing I believe in. 

Sometimes, people have to do cruel things to obtain that which they desire most. For me, I believe in making a chance. Striving to implement a change and instilling morality, justice, and values is what I desire the most. This can be seen in my many rants about HR, hiring practices, and lately, labor law.

I walked by a familiar place today. I didn't feel like I was the hero or that I was the villain. Instead, it simply felt like what once was. Simpler times. Times where I had innocence. Times where the burden of helping was still tolerable. Times where I was a beacon of hope.

My future has decided to erase my past and along with it, who I once was. I can feel my kindness being slowly deprived of whatever fumes remain. I cling to the shadows of the past while I try to desperately discover who I am to be? 

It's 12 AM, so I think it's time to snooze of and wake up to another mundane day.

Best regards and middle finger.