Letter to My Young Self

 

I've always watched those cringy and once-interesting American coming of age TV shows and for some odd reason that only the Hollywood gods know, there's always been a scene where someone writes a note and puts it in a time capsule to give to their future selves.

Looking back, I never had that opportunity. I always thought that I wouldn't have a future even though I was very young. I never thought I would become career focused or grow any form of skill in anything. My life was always lived through video game protagonists which would explain the severe lack of any social skills in my teens.

If I could go back to the past to warn my young self of what awaits it, I honestly would...

I would warn him of kindness as too much of what cures could ails and that he should get rid of his kindness. People are mean and they would stop treasuring such quality and he would eventually end up as a convenience rather than someone valued.

I would warn him of sincerity as people are rarely sincere unless it's aligned with their personal interest.

I would warn him of caring for anyone more than himself as he will experience severe abandonment anxiety when he realizes people no longer care back or value back all the things he will do for them.

I would tell him how he isn't as ugly as he thinks he is and he will get a lot of girlfriends in university (I doubt he'd listen as I still feel anxiety whenever I remove my glasses).

I would tell him to stop worrying about his career even though it's 7 years away from starting (Why TF did I have a LinkedIn and a CV at 15?).

I would tell him to stop obsessing about Diogenes the cynic and trying to spread humanity in a world that doesn't realize that being human and being humane are two different things. It's futile.

Lastly, I would cry as I would tear this note before giving it to him realizing that to destroy that person is to destroy what I will eventually become, and that I have to cling on to my typical sweet and caring self even though people will never reciprocate the same kindness. 

Why do we have to march forever firm in our beliefs and do things for people that we know we deserve better than? Why do we feel depressed when they leave even though we knew it was always going to end up this way but we helped regardless? Do our parents carry the same wounds?

My 15 year old self and my current self both ponder this.